I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
