turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize