so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
