WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
