TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
