At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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