woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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