Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
