And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
