Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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