Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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