He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
