I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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