I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
