you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
