Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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