My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
