Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
