Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
