We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
