i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
