oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
