so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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