How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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