how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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