I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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