I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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