I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
