wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
