Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
