It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
