How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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