I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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