Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
