My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
