Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
