my phone needs a breathalizer
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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