If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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