Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She told me I should be a condom model.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize