My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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