She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
