also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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