I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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