Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
