I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
