can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
