I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
