either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
okay pat passed out under dana's car
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
