It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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