My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
