I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
