I'm jealous of your bromance
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize