Duck Duck Cougar?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
