She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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