so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
