we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
