i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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