just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
