Your dad touched me again.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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