I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
