apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
im on a boat
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