A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize
