My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
